Just for sh*ts and giggles

[phoenixffyrnig]

Let's have some jokes or funny stories here



There was a knock on the door last night...it was the cops. They said "I'm sorry Sir, it looks like your wife has had a horrible accident."

I said "I know, but she does have a lovely personality."

[Badnorth]

"What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.".
-Unknown.

[Maxbirykov2004]

Well, i will try to translate from Russian

Patient: Doctor, what about my diagnosis.
Doctor: I have 2 news, 1 good, 1 bad. What news ill tell you 1st?
Patient: Bad one.
Doctor: you will die in 48 hours.
Patient: Wha... What about good one?!?
Doctor: In this 48 hours you will feel alright.

[Hyuhjhih]

John the mercenary: how would you like to die Bern?
Bern: i dont want to die now.
John : well i am already paid to kill you.
Bern: then i would like to die like my grandpa died
John: then please say how he died .i will kill you like that.
Bern: he died peacefully while sleeping in a car like this
John: so i got chloroform. Take a long nap dude.( he applied the chloroform on Bern).
the next day news
Accident on road. The wanted mercenary John has died in a car accident. His driver however has survived and is still unconscious.
Moral: if you are a mercenary and has just got paid, try to fix your brain with it.

[Hyuhjhih]

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”

The husband says, “well I'm not a plumber, i got things to do "

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”

He says, “ I'm not a mechanic, i got things to do"

Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”

He says, “ well do i look like aa roof fixer, can't you ask anything else which i am good at for once" and left madly.

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.

“Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says.

“Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls.

The wife says, “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or make him very happy"

“Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband.
The wife says," cake? Not really? I made him happy.well can't you find it out since you are my husband "

[Hyuhjhih]

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?”

The neighbor says, “Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative, or even a neighbor to take her seat?”

The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at my wife's funeral.”

[Hyuhjhih]

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them one wish each. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”

[Hyuhjhih]

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, “You should’ve been here at 8:30!”

He replies. “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

[Hyuhjhih]

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.”
The first guy said " well if you ever happen to outrun the bear without sneakers, i can outrun you with sneakers "

[Hyuhjhih]

A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, “No, let me see the next room.”

In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again.

Finally, Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee, and eating pastries. The guy says, “I pick this room.” Satan says ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, “Ok, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!”

[Hyuhjhih]

I am really liking this topic page

[phoenixffyrnig]

I am really liking this topic page

You're welcome.
What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question...?

[SirPat]

I have a question

At sauna's is that their sweat circulating around the room?
Cause I dont see any water in that plays

[Badnorth]

Funny things here.

[phoenixffyrnig]

I was walking along the riverside the other day, and I saw my mate on the other side. He calls out,
"Hey, how do I get across the river?"
I shout back "You are across the river!"

[phoenixffyrnig]

Same walk, a bit later on...fellow in a fancy sports car stops and asks
"What's the quickest way to St Tropez?"
I ask "Are you driving?"
"Yes"
"Aye, that's definitely the quickest way."

[Shark guy 35]

Where were you when Age Of Star Wars died?

I was in AOS taking my turn in multiplayer when suddenly I got teleported to the chat

"AOSW is kil"

"No"

[phoenixffyrnig]

What's the difference between a wildebeest and a gnu?

You can't paddle a wildebeest down a river.

[Hyuhjhih]

You cant find ants die by aging. Why

Because, ants dont cut their own cake and most of the ants die before eating a cake in their life.

[phoenixffyrnig]

I was at a bar ordering a pint when I hear a voice from a bowl of peanuts saying "Hey, good-lookin"
As I took my beer, the pool table shouted "Your feet stink and your nose is too big!"

I asked the barman what was going on. He said "The nuts are complimentary, but the pool table is out of order."

[Hyuhjhih]

A guy asked a retired hunter "Best birthday gift for a hunter is ........."
- 1.a new set of weapons for a daylong
-2. free killed preys for the day.
-3. an easy kill wish to kill the biggest meal that day.
- 4. A cake
What could be the answer of hunter. The answer will be visible after the 7th post succeding in this topic.

[Hyuhjhih]

The phrase doctor in charge of surgery and athletes hate most to hear though they should be loving it.
Break A Leg.

[Hyuhjhih]

What do astronauts want in their job.
They just need a little SPACE in their lab. Its so tight there.

[Hyuhjhih]

When we discuss about Switzerland, what is the biggest plus of Switzerland?
The biggest plus is the biggest plus on the flag.

[Hyuhjhih]

Soap can remove tough stains.
But how can we remove if the soap is the stain?
But how can we remove if the soap is the stain?
In the question, all that remains is tough. So use tough..

[Hyuhjhih]

Why did Buffalo's son left the stable when he called?
His father called out BYE SON

[Hyuhjhih]

Why do we respect curd/yoghurt?
Because it has been through different cultures before it was made. It got high cultural values

[Hyuhjhih]

Why 6 was scared of 7 , because 7 ate 9

[Hyuhjhih]

The 7th is over. He stood still. He didn't utter a word because he was retired since he became deaf by his gunshot sound.

[Hyuhjhih]

How do trees get online
They just log on.